My name is Amy, and I have been struggling with an eating disorder for eight years. I have been preoccupied with weight for as long as I remember, and have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was a very young child. I first purged when I was twelve years old. I was first diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa when I was thirteen years old. In outpatient treatment, I managed to gain to a healthy weight, but I remained extremely preoccupied with weight and food. Between the ages of fourteen and seventeen, I alternated between restricting and binging, and sometimes purged. My official diagnosis during this time period was ED-NOS, Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified. When I was seventeen, just before my senior year of high school, I lost my period, and enough weight to be formally diagnosed with anorexia again. I spent the beginning of my senior year at a residential treatment center in Wisconsin. Although their program helped me to become physically stable, and I was free of eating disorder behaviors for several months afterwards, I eventually began restricting again and relapsed, and was, again, diagnosed with anorexia. I had severe orthostatic hypotension, bradycardia, low body temperature, and dental problems. Again, I gained weight and became physically stable with the help of outpatient treatment. However, my eating disorder "voice" never went away. In the past year, I have gone through cycles of frequent binging and purging, cycles of somewhat normal eating, and cycles of restricting. My weight is currently on the low end of normal, though I am rapidly losing, as I am currently restricting. My current diagnosis is ED-NOS. I am in outpatient treatment, and meet with a therapist and nutritionist weekly. However, I often worry that I am simply hardwired to have an eating disorder, and that I will never fully recover. I am twenty years old now, and my eating disorder has consumed most of my mental energy for most of my life. I wish more than anything to recover. I am a writer, a musician, and a good student, and I pray that someday these parts of my life will be more important to me than how much I weigh and how many calories I have consumed on a given day.
I am not, and have never been, pro-anorexia. I believe that being "pro-ana" is similar to being "pro-AIDS." Anorexia and other eating disorders are fatal, life-ruining mental illnesses, not quick ways to lose weight. An eating disorder is not a lifestyle choice. It is not a choice at all.
3 comments:
Kudos to you for being brave enough to tell your story. I'm still debating whether or not to post mine. I love ya girl...
~Empty
Hi! Thanks for posting my story. I realized that I forgot to mention where this picture of me was taken from. I am a member of a private online eating disorder support community, the name of which I will omit for the sake of the privacy of everyone who uses the board. This board is NOT a pro-anorexia website. The words "ana" and "mia" are not allowed, as we feel that they glamorize eating disorders and portray them as "friends" rather than serious mental illnesses. "Tips and tricks" are not allowed, and harm reduction is stressed. There is a recovery section of the board, as well as places to discuss our other aspects of our lives, from co-morbid psychiatric illnesses such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and addiction to movies, music, sports, fashion, and school.
Our site does include some potentially unhealthy sections, such as "thinspiration" (pictures of very thin women used to "feed" our disorders), and "progress updates," which are sometimes used positively (i.e. a bulimic may track her progress in attempting not not binge and purge), but often function as food logs in which to track calories consumed. Another section of our board that is potentially unhealthy is a board dedicated to fasting which, although it can be beneficial for those without serious illnesses, is seriously dangerous for those with eating disorders.
Our site is not strictly a recovery site. It isn't, and will likely never be, like something-fishy (which, by the way, I would highly recommend to those working on recovery). But it also isn't a pro-anorexia website. It is a support board for those with active eating disorders, a place where we can feel heard and understood. Although I'm sure that there are members who are triggered by the contents of our site, I personally have found it to be more helpful than harmful. I have made true friends, with whom I have meaningful, honest conversations with - not just about our diseases, but also about our relationships, interests, and philosophies.
The picture that you see both here and on the original Faces of Pro Ana site was taken about a month and a half ago. It was posted on our photo board, in a section called "Take a Picture of Yourself Right Now and Post It." I posted this picture for the sole purpose of putting a face to a name. I did not post it as thinspiration (at the time this picture was taken, my BMI was about 20.6, a perfectly healthy and normal weight), or for any other harmful purpose.
Although the Face of Pro Ana site has caused a good deal of stress, grief, and hurt, it did serve as a reminder to be careful about what one posts on the internet. Although our forum is private, I have stopped posting information that I wouldn't want the public to see on the main site. Instead, I contact my friends from the site through private messages on the forum, or by email. Additionally, I have stopped posting pictures of myself. Finally, I realized how hurtful it is to have your picture used without your permission, so I have decided to refrain from using the "thinspiration" section of the board. I regret to admit that I frequented this part of the site in the past, especially when my eating disorder was at its worst. I have had the threads that I posted in this section of our board deleted, and have committed to never posting these sorts of images again. I care about the members of this forum, and do not want to do anything to make them sicker. I truly wish that all of us could recover fully and live happy, healthy lives.
Again, thank you for starting this site.
Well done for being so brave and telling it like it is. I have a sister who has struggled with anorexia for 6 years and it is devastating to see. I hope you wont take the vindictive activity of the 'faces of pro-ana' blog to heart. You are a beautiful woman and I hope one day you can find a way out of your eating disorder for good. Good luck to you
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